No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
