fuck your aforementioned shoe
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize