sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
