where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
