batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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