I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
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