Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
