I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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