if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
