If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
