Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
