I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
