My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
