If i come over, it means nothing
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
