I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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