I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
