i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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