You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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