i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
