He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
