Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
