for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
