I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
