Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
