You're a womanizer and a bitch.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
