Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
