This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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