I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
