Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
