Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
