I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Are my feet made of real feet?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
