she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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