umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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