cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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