I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
