Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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