I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
