I think I won the penis lottery.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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