We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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