hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
