just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
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