there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
