he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
