God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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