it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
