get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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