Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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