the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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