Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
