He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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