I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You were trust falling into bushes
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
