Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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