im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
