when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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