If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
