I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
